What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 07:12
But it wasn’t much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But, we were locked up after school.
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It was going to be , some day.
What did i know ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What’s the worst thing you caught anyone in your family doing?
Who then, do I blame.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What is your favourite summer outfit? Why?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have a bad reputation and need help. What should I do?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My life is so biszare .
I write beautiful poetry .
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When she asked me how she looked .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So whats the point in blame.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was seconnd youngest,
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I said to her
I was very sick at this time too.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We all went to grammer schools
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She loved him until the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She wouldn,t have been !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He knew the spot.
She found it foreign!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is soul school!.
I have no regrets .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My family never makes their pension either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im still living with it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
I was scared of men, in general
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .